January 29

W.C. Fields

Today was a toughest day yet. W.C. Fields birthday. I had to watch The Dentist, The Golf Specialist, The Fatal Glass of Beer, International House and Man on the Flying Trapeze. Everyone knows someone like the W.C. Field character. The curmudgeon, the old man who doesn't like kids, the hen-pecked husband, drinks too much and has little respect for anyone. He could be your father, your brother, your grandfather or your cousin. To be fair, it doesn't have to be a man, it can be a woman. If you don't know anyone like that, it may be you.

W.C. Fields sometimes comes off as a large, obnoxious character. But I like him. You know exactly where he stands and what he believes in. So instead of trying to describe his work, I going to do something different and let his words be the blog. The listing below has been attributed as statements that Mr. Fields has said.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch...

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

...more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon--and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I drink therefore I am.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

I never met a kid I liked.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.